He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
