very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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