I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
