when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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