Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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