you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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