I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
