I think i peed on brittanys purse
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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