I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
