I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
