...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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