just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
