Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
