My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
