my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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