Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
