you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
