I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
