Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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