I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Houston, we have a squirter
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
