Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
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Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
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Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.