Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever