No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
