Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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