Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
