A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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