turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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