I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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