ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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