I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
