i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
