saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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