Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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