i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
