Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
