When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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