I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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