i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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