Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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