I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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