If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
