From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
