So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I could fuck to npr.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
