im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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