I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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