Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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