Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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