Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
