I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
organizing the empties. That sober.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
