I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
