Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
