I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
