Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
