i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
