omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
