I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I want a musical about memes.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
