if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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