ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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