Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
