I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
