I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
