my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
