What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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